I'm in love.
With a song.
Basically, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz has been my favorite song for the past month.
I'm sure that my friends are ready to toss me into a gigantic pile of toxic waste due to the several billions times a day that I make them listen to it. It's just that everything in that song seems so simple. It all makes me want to strive for a less complicated thinking process. It hadn't occurred to me until now, but this song got me through that awful "Jake&Emma" situation and is now preventing me from going ballistic over my horrendously hectic weekend, which I will explain...in another post.
Right now, though, I think I'll be going beddy bye bye.
...Just wanted to hop on here and say that my day was the first perfectly uneventful day I've had in a long time.
'Night.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Merely Physical.
Just when I was becoming a pro.
For the past few months, I have come to terms with the fact that I don't like emotional attachment, that I don't like having an outside influence on my every decision.
I used to get up in the morning and, depending on whether or not I had class with him that day, pick out my outfit.
Not bad enough? I would also pretend to organize my things in order to walk out of class right before or after him.
There's worse. Hoping to park by him in the student parking lot, I would try find out where he parks.
Oh yes, that's bad.
Now, the male pronouns don't refer to a specific boy, just whoever was my current "flavor." Flavor is used instead of "crush" because...
a) Crush is a really lame word. What, you're going to squash the poor guy?
b) It was less, much much less, than a crush.
Before I've conciously realized my lack of ability to become emotionally dependable on anything other than myself, I guess I've always forced myself (using many self-to-self conversations) to toss aside those feelings I have for a boy. (The tossing out is usually followed by many mental stompings.)
For the past two months, though, I've been doing things for me. I dress pretty for me. I walk out of class when I want to walk out of class. I park in a certain parking spot because I want to park there. It was all about ME.
Me. Me. Me.
And I loved every second of it.
But NOW, when I am more than comfortable in my own skin, being my own person, I develop a physical attraction. Oh lord.
Physical attraction is not as bad as emotional attraction, I'll admit. However, it doesn't make it any less annoying.
This new development needs to go away. Leave me alone. Find someone else to harasss.
I absolutely hate this.
This awful feeling of having your happiness in someone else's hands. This scary feeling that someone has the capability of making or breaking your day. This saddening feeling that you've lost control of yourself.
All this makes me want to punch him, perferably, in the face. Or stomp on his foot so hard, he'd need surgery to correct his toe placement. Maybe even egg his car. TeePee his house. Throw crappy furniture on his front lawn. Shave off an eyebrow.
The worst, however, is this barely-suppressible urge to kiss him until he melts.
(Or I melt, whichever comes first.)
But I can't do any of that.
Why?
...Because I'm sane.
Ugh. Insanity never looked so good.
For the past few months, I have come to terms with the fact that I don't like emotional attachment, that I don't like having an outside influence on my every decision.
I used to get up in the morning and, depending on whether or not I had class with him that day, pick out my outfit.
Not bad enough? I would also pretend to organize my things in order to walk out of class right before or after him.
There's worse. Hoping to park by him in the student parking lot, I would try find out where he parks.
Oh yes, that's bad.
Now, the male pronouns don't refer to a specific boy, just whoever was my current "flavor." Flavor is used instead of "crush" because...
a) Crush is a really lame word. What, you're going to squash the poor guy?
b) It was less, much much less, than a crush.
Before I've conciously realized my lack of ability to become emotionally dependable on anything other than myself, I guess I've always forced myself (using many self-to-self conversations) to toss aside those feelings I have for a boy. (The tossing out is usually followed by many mental stompings.)
For the past two months, though, I've been doing things for me. I dress pretty for me. I walk out of class when I want to walk out of class. I park in a certain parking spot because I want to park there. It was all about ME.
Me. Me. Me.
And I loved every second of it.
But NOW, when I am more than comfortable in my own skin, being my own person, I develop a physical attraction. Oh lord.
Physical attraction is not as bad as emotional attraction, I'll admit. However, it doesn't make it any less annoying.
This new development needs to go away. Leave me alone. Find someone else to harasss.
I absolutely hate this.
This awful feeling of having your happiness in someone else's hands. This scary feeling that someone has the capability of making or breaking your day. This saddening feeling that you've lost control of yourself.
All this makes me want to punch him, perferably, in the face. Or stomp on his foot so hard, he'd need surgery to correct his toe placement. Maybe even egg his car. TeePee his house. Throw crappy furniture on his front lawn. Shave off an eyebrow.
The worst, however, is this barely-suppressible urge to kiss him until he melts.
(Or I melt, whichever comes first.)
But I can't do any of that.
Why?
...Because I'm sane.
Ugh. Insanity never looked so good.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Less Than Ideal.
I'm drinking tea again!
Ohhh yes, I sure am.
Having been living off of coffee from Starbucks and McDonald's for the past month or so, a tiny sip of tea is as refreshing as refreshing can get.
After waking up from a nap, I was cranky and still extremely sleepy. Daddy asked me if I wanted some tea, and I swear, my heart skipped a beat or two. Failing to make words come out of my mouth, I nodded my head, eyes wide with disbelief. Tea was re-entering my life!
As Daddy promised, two cups of tea were waiting for me when I got out of the shower. The first cup, I gulped. This, I realized, was a mistake. First, my poor tongue got scalded. And second, it all went down so fast I couldn't savor a drop. Learning from my mistakes, I waited until feeling came back to my tongue before I held the second cup up to my lips.
Needless to say, it was...incredible.
Nothing can beat coming home from a rough day to a welcoming cup of tea.
And a rough day, indeed.
It wasn't as if anything horrendous occured, but overall, it wasn't exactly...ideal. Let's start with last night, shall we?
For the past three weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. Or staying asleep. (Just sleeping in general, I guess.) Last night was no exception. Finally falling asleep at three, I was forced to wake up a mere four hours later. Taking out the rag curlers in my hair, I realized I looked like the asian version of a Shirley Temple-Poodle mix. Yes, it was that bad. After messing with it for about fifteen minutes, I gave up and headed off to school.
I suppose my hair wasn't that disastorous, because I got a few nice compliments about it. God, I love my friends.
My hair might have turned out alright, but my brain wasn't working the way it usually does. Normally, I'm a science maniac. Call me a nerd if you must, but science and I "click". Exception: today. Physics was being difficult, and just refused to click with me. Oh lord, that was the worst hour of my life. It felt like I missed a week of classes and just got tossed back in. Ugh, let's not even talk about that.
Fast-forward a few hours and I'm sitting in Spanish. We played this ridiculous vocabulary game, and our team got creamed. Three teams. Score: 25 vs 24 vs14. Guess which team I was on? Yah. Alright, next.
Musical rehearsal. This, I enjoyed.
Like I mentioned before, today wasn't all that great. But Musical practice made it slightly better.
Today=hours of dance.
Now, I'm not a fan of physical activity, but by 3:00 PM, I had enough frustration to last me for a two-mile sprint. Thank the lord, for our choreographer. He work us hard, and while I was complaining (in harmonic unison with the rest of the cast) during the hour-long warm-up, I realized (afterwards, of course) that a killer workout was what I needed.
Frustration level down, however, lead to mental exhaustion.
After I arrived home from rehearsal, I ate a bucketful of food, then headed off for my bed, where I dropped dead.
Only to wake up an hour later.
That was the jist of it, but it was sugar-coated with drama. I avoid drama like the plague and yet, it still finds me.
Tea. I'll have more tea.
Ohhh yes, I sure am.
Having been living off of coffee from Starbucks and McDonald's for the past month or so, a tiny sip of tea is as refreshing as refreshing can get.
After waking up from a nap, I was cranky and still extremely sleepy. Daddy asked me if I wanted some tea, and I swear, my heart skipped a beat or two. Failing to make words come out of my mouth, I nodded my head, eyes wide with disbelief. Tea was re-entering my life!
As Daddy promised, two cups of tea were waiting for me when I got out of the shower. The first cup, I gulped. This, I realized, was a mistake. First, my poor tongue got scalded. And second, it all went down so fast I couldn't savor a drop. Learning from my mistakes, I waited until feeling came back to my tongue before I held the second cup up to my lips.
Needless to say, it was...incredible.
Nothing can beat coming home from a rough day to a welcoming cup of tea.
And a rough day, indeed.
It wasn't as if anything horrendous occured, but overall, it wasn't exactly...ideal. Let's start with last night, shall we?
For the past three weeks or so, I have been having trouble falling asleep. Or staying asleep. (Just sleeping in general, I guess.) Last night was no exception. Finally falling asleep at three, I was forced to wake up a mere four hours later. Taking out the rag curlers in my hair, I realized I looked like the asian version of a Shirley Temple-Poodle mix. Yes, it was that bad. After messing with it for about fifteen minutes, I gave up and headed off to school.
I suppose my hair wasn't that disastorous, because I got a few nice compliments about it. God, I love my friends.
My hair might have turned out alright, but my brain wasn't working the way it usually does. Normally, I'm a science maniac. Call me a nerd if you must, but science and I "click". Exception: today. Physics was being difficult, and just refused to click with me. Oh lord, that was the worst hour of my life. It felt like I missed a week of classes and just got tossed back in. Ugh, let's not even talk about that.
Fast-forward a few hours and I'm sitting in Spanish. We played this ridiculous vocabulary game, and our team got creamed. Three teams. Score: 25 vs 24 vs14. Guess which team I was on? Yah. Alright, next.
Musical rehearsal. This, I enjoyed.
Like I mentioned before, today wasn't all that great. But Musical practice made it slightly better.
Today=hours of dance.
Now, I'm not a fan of physical activity, but by 3:00 PM, I had enough frustration to last me for a two-mile sprint. Thank the lord, for our choreographer. He work us hard, and while I was complaining (in harmonic unison with the rest of the cast) during the hour-long warm-up, I realized (afterwards, of course) that a killer workout was what I needed.
Frustration level down, however, lead to mental exhaustion.
After I arrived home from rehearsal, I ate a bucketful of food, then headed off for my bed, where I dropped dead.
Only to wake up an hour later.
That was the jist of it, but it was sugar-coated with drama. I avoid drama like the plague and yet, it still finds me.
Tea. I'll have more tea.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Yet Another Glorious Monday.
Right now, I'm sitting on my butt (or lack there of) and staring at the monitor.
Two seconds ago, I rushed onto Blogger, thinking I had something oh-so-important to say. Some incredible realization or a phenomonal experience, but no. Sorry to excite you but I've come empty handed.
I suppose I can't leave with nothing, so here goes a debriefing of today's activities:
Starting with last night. Ha.
Last night, I fell dead asleep for about half an hour; then, after I got up to use the bathroom (why I didn't go before bed is far beyond me) I could not, for the life of me, fall back asleep. Tossing and turning all night, I only ever borderlined sleep. Before I knew it, however, the sun was in the sky, and it was time for yet another glorious Monday.
Rushing to wake up my little sister for school (by this time, I was, in fact, feeling a bit drowsy), I ran into my bedroom door. Yes, my eyes were fully open. Luckily, I recovered quickly, and managed to make my way to school without other painful mishappenings.
Suddenly, I remembered that my Monday conflicts needed to be resolved before I was marked absent yet again. I ran to the Programming Office, which ended up in me waiting for the Programming Secretary for about fifteen minutes just to be told that I would need to speak with my counselor first. Even counselors can make you feel unimportant, trust me. I waited another fifteen minutes for her to finish up her conversation with the technitian so I could get the pale yellow slip of paper I needed.
All this waiting, of course, led to me being late for my next class. Great, just great.
The rest of the day slowly sped by. (Honestly, slowly speeding was how it felt.)
Musical rehearsal was...what it usually is. A total drag with a few hilarious incidents thrown in. The dance our boys have to do cracked me up, and our Joseph (from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat) was one hell of a sight in him spandex and loincloth. The costumes for the female parts had also come in, but turned out to be nothing more than sequinced bras and see-through panties. (Reaction from the boys...ear-to-ear grins. Testosterone...sheesh.) Extreme nudity isn't typical in a high school drama production, and our director doubts that the costumes will fly with the administrators. Ha, oh darn. But seriously.
An Academic Awards Ceremony also took place tonight, and I managed to pass off my tube top as a skirt. Otherwise, it was lame. Lameee!
Well, that was about it. I don't believe anything else happened.
Oh! One more thing. I just received a rather thick pile of birthday invitations to hand out for a good friend's surprise party. Her boyfriend, brother, parents, childhood friend, and myself are planning it all out. I have the biggest pile of invitations and all have to be delivered in the next two days.
Wish me luck!
Two seconds ago, I rushed onto Blogger, thinking I had something oh-so-important to say. Some incredible realization or a phenomonal experience, but no. Sorry to excite you but I've come empty handed.
I suppose I can't leave with nothing, so here goes a debriefing of today's activities:
Starting with last night. Ha.
Last night, I fell dead asleep for about half an hour; then, after I got up to use the bathroom (why I didn't go before bed is far beyond me) I could not, for the life of me, fall back asleep. Tossing and turning all night, I only ever borderlined sleep. Before I knew it, however, the sun was in the sky, and it was time for yet another glorious Monday.
Rushing to wake up my little sister for school (by this time, I was, in fact, feeling a bit drowsy), I ran into my bedroom door. Yes, my eyes were fully open. Luckily, I recovered quickly, and managed to make my way to school without other painful mishappenings.
Suddenly, I remembered that my Monday conflicts needed to be resolved before I was marked absent yet again. I ran to the Programming Office, which ended up in me waiting for the Programming Secretary for about fifteen minutes just to be told that I would need to speak with my counselor first. Even counselors can make you feel unimportant, trust me. I waited another fifteen minutes for her to finish up her conversation with the technitian so I could get the pale yellow slip of paper I needed.
All this waiting, of course, led to me being late for my next class. Great, just great.
The rest of the day slowly sped by. (Honestly, slowly speeding was how it felt.)
Musical rehearsal was...what it usually is. A total drag with a few hilarious incidents thrown in. The dance our boys have to do cracked me up, and our Joseph (from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat) was one hell of a sight in him spandex and loincloth. The costumes for the female parts had also come in, but turned out to be nothing more than sequinced bras and see-through panties. (Reaction from the boys...ear-to-ear grins. Testosterone...sheesh.) Extreme nudity isn't typical in a high school drama production, and our director doubts that the costumes will fly with the administrators. Ha, oh darn. But seriously.
An Academic Awards Ceremony also took place tonight, and I managed to pass off my tube top as a skirt. Otherwise, it was lame. Lameee!
Well, that was about it. I don't believe anything else happened.
Oh! One more thing. I just received a rather thick pile of birthday invitations to hand out for a good friend's surprise party. Her boyfriend, brother, parents, childhood friend, and myself are planning it all out. I have the biggest pile of invitations and all have to be delivered in the next two days.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Fallen.
How do you think I feel, now that I find out I've been lied to for the past four years of my life?
Like poo, that's how.
Senior year was supposed to be the most fabulous year yet, but it's been nothing but college applications, teacher recommendations, and psychological complexes. Geez.
For someone as academically-focused (alright, nerdy) as I am, this should be a breeze. Daily routine, basically. But no.
To hell with a social life. I spend my days staring dumbly at the teacher recommendation form, pretending like I'll actually get around to filling out my first college application, and drinking coffee.
Remember the days of tea? Well, I don't.
Tea has become a drink of the past. A drink for the happy. A drink for the carefree.
So, goodbye tea. Hello BFF, coffee.
Aha.
How funny, this morning, I was free as a frickin' bird, singing in a frickin' tree. Yet, after trying and failing to do something productive, this little birdie has fallen.
Like poo, that's how.
Senior year was supposed to be the most fabulous year yet, but it's been nothing but college applications, teacher recommendations, and psychological complexes. Geez.
For someone as academically-focused (alright, nerdy) as I am, this should be a breeze. Daily routine, basically. But no.
To hell with a social life. I spend my days staring dumbly at the teacher recommendation form, pretending like I'll actually get around to filling out my first college application, and drinking coffee.
Remember the days of tea? Well, I don't.
Tea has become a drink of the past. A drink for the happy. A drink for the carefree.
So, goodbye tea. Hello BFF, coffee.
Aha.
How funny, this morning, I was free as a frickin' bird, singing in a frickin' tree. Yet, after trying and failing to do something productive, this little birdie has fallen.
Five Whole Months.
During my last post, I was going through a mini emotional breakdown.
If it wasn't obvious...
There wasn't one terrbily upsetting thing to have rained on my parade, and yet, my life felt like it was crashing down all around me. This got me thinking...why oh why have I been so pathetically depressing lately?
Aha! I haven't cried since April.
Five months. It's been five whole months since I've really cried.
Maybe my bottle of Coco Cola has popped the lid. Maybe my box of packing peanuts is overflowing. Maybe pockets are overstuffed with coins. Maybe my mental stability is being shaken.
Whatever it may be, I couldn't let it go on. There must be something I can do to drain the Coco Cola, remove the packing peanuts, exchange the coins for bills, and stabilize that teeter-totter I so desperately depend on.
Although I still haven't shed a tear since April, life's getting better.
The sun is shining again. The grass is a bit greener. And life has calmed down to an excitement level I can handle.
Breathe.
Life could always be worse.
But you could always make it better.
If it wasn't obvious...
There wasn't one terrbily upsetting thing to have rained on my parade, and yet, my life felt like it was crashing down all around me. This got me thinking...why oh why have I been so pathetically depressing lately?
Aha! I haven't cried since April.
Five months. It's been five whole months since I've really cried.
Maybe my bottle of Coco Cola has popped the lid. Maybe my box of packing peanuts is overflowing. Maybe pockets are overstuffed with coins. Maybe my mental stability is being shaken.
Whatever it may be, I couldn't let it go on. There must be something I can do to drain the Coco Cola, remove the packing peanuts, exchange the coins for bills, and stabilize that teeter-totter I so desperately depend on.
Although I still haven't shed a tear since April, life's getting better.
The sun is shining again. The grass is a bit greener. And life has calmed down to an excitement level I can handle.
Breathe.
Life could always be worse.
But you could always make it better.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Psycho-stuff.
After less than a week, I ended that little love triangle fiasco.
Prior to this encounter with "feelings", I believed myself to be rather psychologically normal. Sure, I could be complicated, difficult, and hard to explain, but overall, I thought I was...healthy.
Like I've been about everything recently, I was wrong. Dead wrong.
Commitment issues? Trust issues?
I have those?!
Apparently.
When the psychoanalysis of my behavior was brought to my attention, I did what most teenage girls would do, I psychoanalyzed my psychoanalysis.
So, here's a briefing:
1. According to past history, I detest emotion attatchment
2. When I am affected by outer influences, I get irritated
3. I'm on a neverending mission to "be my own person"
4. Perfection is the only thing I'll take
5. Independence is on the top of my list
6. I question Love's existence
7. Happiness can only come from oneself
8. Not everyone was meant to have a "special someone"
9. Romance is over-rated
10. I don't want to be "fixed"
Typical teenage girl? I suppose not.
GAH.
I'm hungry, so I guess I'll write something later.
If I feel like it.
Prior to this encounter with "feelings", I believed myself to be rather psychologically normal. Sure, I could be complicated, difficult, and hard to explain, but overall, I thought I was...healthy.
Like I've been about everything recently, I was wrong. Dead wrong.
Commitment issues? Trust issues?
I have those?!
Apparently.
When the psychoanalysis of my behavior was brought to my attention, I did what most teenage girls would do, I psychoanalyzed my psychoanalysis.
So, here's a briefing:
1. According to past history, I detest emotion attatchment
2. When I am affected by outer influences, I get irritated
3. I'm on a neverending mission to "be my own person"
4. Perfection is the only thing I'll take
5. Independence is on the top of my list
6. I question Love's existence
7. Happiness can only come from oneself
8. Not everyone was meant to have a "special someone"
9. Romance is over-rated
10. I don't want to be "fixed"
Typical teenage girl? I suppose not.
GAH.
I'm hungry, so I guess I'll write something later.
If I feel like it.
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